Like a Ton of Bricks

IMG_1203The reality that in 4 days I will be leaving Texas caught me completely off guard, but somehow just at the right moment.

I called my grandmother to thank her for sending me a check to purchase dorm furnishings. It’s her little tradition to take the grandkids dorm shopping in the weeks leading up to their college departure, however, since I won’t be attending school anywhere within reasonable driving distance, she sent me money and let me use it to get what I needed. All was well until she began to talk about how proud she was, and how she thinks it’s brave of me to be going so far away from home so I could pursue what I have always wanted. After our little conversation, I choked out a measly “bye” and then I completely lost it.

I was in the car with my mother on the way to dinner when this little exchange took place. I cried, she cried, for a second the whole world cried, and for the life of me, I could not get it back together. I was in that state where your lips keep contorting into painful shapes and that lump in your throat just won’t go away. That state where you are doing more of an “angry cry” because you can’t stop crying. It was bad. I haven’t cried like that in a while.

So we stop off at my mom’s work to pick up her cell phone that she had left there earlier that day. (My mom owns her own preschool, and I have been working there over the summer to earn some extra money for school, and have really enjoyed my coworkers and the kids. Some of the people I work with I have known my entire life, and it’s like having a completely second family. It’s the greatest thing ever.) I walk into a room to grab the phone, and every one of my coworkers (more like friends/ second family) are there waiting on me to surprise me for a goodbye party.

You can imagine what happened next.

I lose it even worse than before. I am doing the ugly sob. Not because of sadness, but because I was surrounded by a group of people who love me completely and totally, and, I swear there is no greater feeling on earth.

That all being said, I am, yet again stuck in a contradiction. I simultaneously feel like I am leaving this whole group of dear friends who love me, and I am trying to resist the urge to say,”Forget it! I’m not going to college! I’m staying here and we’re gonna be friends and take little car rides together and play games and run errands for fun together FOREVER!” and then there is another part of me that feels like with a group of people behind me who care about me this much, how could I ever fail?




p.s. I’m having dinner with my grandparents tomorrow night, and I am going to try and keep it together.

p.p.s. tomorrow is also my last day at work, and I am going to completely lose it AGAIN

p.p.p.s. I am also doing the ice bucket challenge tomorrow. It’s gonna be quite a¬†day.

p.p.p.p.s. That photo above is me and my dearest friends, plus my BFF/ cousin. These 3 kept my surprise party hidden from me ALL WEEK, and I love them.

Like a Ton of Bricks


Things change.
More appropriately for me, sh*t happens.

Sometimes, sh*t happens all at once.

I wasn’t planning on writing all that much about this experience, but, here I am. I have no real reason to complain, but when things don’t work out as you were hoping, I find it helps to vent just a little bit, even if it is to strangers on the internet.

A few months ago, I had made a post on this ever-so-neglected blog of mine, and divulged where I would be attending college. A large, well known, renowned private school in southern California. My dream school since childhood. A beacon of intelligence and excellence in (to me) the greatest city on earth. (L.A.- I don’t care how many people disagree!) However, there is a little thing called “financial aid” that those readers under the age of 18 should get to know real quick. Financial aid can save your life, and it can also ruin it. Unfortunately for me, it was the latter.

Well, I dare to say “ruin”… After all everything happens for a reason. I won’t go into all the dirty details, but what happened was, this big, prestigious, “brand name” school did not provide me with a financial aid award conducive to mine and my family’s needs. Plain and simple. (In fact, they “jipped” me for lack of a better phrase, but who’s bitter? Certainly not me..)

At the time, it felt to me like I had worked so hard to obtain something, then I finally got it, and I was not allowed to enjoy it. Like doing extra chores for a month to save money for a Game Boy. And then you save the money, buy the Game Boy, only to find that you can’t open the box. I held my dream in my own hands, and then felt it become too heavy a burden to hold any longer.

Fortunately for me, I had submitted the commitment deposit at a smaller university in southern California, a stone’s throw from LA with an up-and-coming film program. My choices were to either sell my soul to the devil and live a life of debt to pay off that “brand name” education, or attend a lesser-known (but still reputable) university that I had not even planned on attending (the commitment deposit was a contingency plan barring any unforeseen changes, which inevitably came to pass) nor had given much thought to applying to when application season was upon me. (I submitted the essay requirements the day the application was due… whoops) That being said, this smaller, non “name brand” school offered me a very generous scholarship.

The choice, in the end was clear cut. Though it was not what I originally had in mind for myself, I have decided to attend the smaller, lesser-known school, in place of the “brand name”. Am I complaining about a scholarship? No. Am I kicking myself for moving so far away? A little, but that’s another post. Do I need to check my privilege? Yes, probably. I am extremely lucky and blessed to be able to even say I am attending college at all, let alone pursuing a film degree. So many of my high school classmates were steered by their parents into a business or medical or engineering program, and I am beyond fortunate to have parents who recognize passion.

The moral of the story is, things happen and plans change and the way we envisioned our futures is very rarely the way they shape up to be.

And that is not a bad thing.

Go Panthers.





It’s been a year.

Much has transpired since I last posted on this blog shortly before Christmas last year. Rather than spend 13 paragraphs detailing my life, I felt an update in list form would be much more efficient.

1. I have decided where I’m going to college.


3. I turned 18.

4. Yikes.

5. School is almost over.

6. I couldn’t be happier about that.

7. I couldn’t be more sad about that.

8. I am having some serious struggles planning my graduation party.

9. As I write this, I am simultaneously ordering more Polaroid film.

10. I’ve spent my days half asleep in class, and my nights half asleep at home.

11. I’m going through cycles of complete¬†apathy interspersed with bursts of sudden inspiration and energy.

12. Lately, I’ve been feeling stuck.

13. But I’m also feeling free.

14. This is a time of contradictions for me.

15. Or maybe it isn’t.

16. I’m drinking a passion tea lemonade.

17. I don’t feel like an adult yet.

18. But I want to.

19. I missed writing on this blog.

20. I’m happy to be back.